Just put that over there...

I have a new house - and it is all me. I didn't move into it because it was my only option, or because I was in a hurry, or because I was being rescued or "taken care of".

I actually chose it! I day dreamed about it, drove by it every chance I got, moved all the furniture around in my head, redid the blinds in my imagination and thought of nothing else until FINALLY - I got the call that it was mine.

I moved in this last weekend.

That's when I discovered how many things I left behind in the marriage dissolution...things that have been provided for me over the past year but are not mine to take to a new house. Things that are integral to running a household that feels like home to three children!

I needed a washerdryerqueenbeddresserdesktwotwinmattressesdiningroomtableandchairs, and I needed them right away. So - I did what any single mom would do - I stalked Craigslist.

Oh my heavens! I have found the neatest things on Craigslist for the greatest prices...I don't think I will ever shop at a furniture store again.

What I DIDN'T think about was how to move all of these said bargains. Those are some heavy items and some were located quite far away!

So - I did what any single mom would do -

I called my ex husband for help.

...and he came running.

I am a very blessed single mom. Blessed and well housed.

Wanna come over for a house warming party??!

Don't Let the Door Hit You...

I have been working so hard. So very hard. I didn't have the kids this weekend, so that made things easier, but I DO still have the boyfriend.

Every night I get off work and race to Denver like I stole something, just so I can fall asleep in his arms - and then I wake up in the morning and race back. Sometimes it is everything I need it to be, and sometimes it only makes me feel more alone. By the time I got to Friday of this week, there was no telling what I was going to be feeling like.

And that, of course, is where the trouble begins with me.

We both got off work at the same time - he went to a friend's house for drinks, I got on the highway to do my flyinglowundertheradar rountine. He called every twenty minutes or so for an update, giving instructions like "Call me when you get to Arapahoe", etc.

When I got to the last offramp by his house, I followed directions and rang him to let him know I was almost there. To which he responded by saying something cheesey (but wonderful) like "Wooohooo! Heaven is only ten minutes away!" and then teasing me about meeting him at the door naked.

I got there first. I opened the blinds. Let the dog in. Made a pot of coffee. Loaded the dishwasher. Unloaded the dryer. Checked my email. Checked my voicemail. Went to the mailbox and got the mail. Put the dog out. Loaded the washer. Let the dog back in...and then got a beer.

Somewhere in my head I decided that this is not how I think Friday night for me is supposed to pan out- so I gave myself a deadline. If that boy didn't show up in another 15, I was out.

Fifteen came - I left. I didn't even know where to drive to! I just drove. I reviewed my internal list of friends in Denver and tried to get myself together enough to call one of them to hang with for awhile.

I must have been unconciously sending alarm signals through the air, because I hadn't even made it out to the interstate yet before he started to call. He called 12 times. He ran my voice mailbox out of room. Listening to the messages I realized that he didn't even know I had left the house yet! He just thought I wasn't answering his calls on ANY phone.

When I finally parked and called him back, I really expected him to say something akin to "If you are that impatient, why don't you just keep on going?". But he didn't. He was devestated that he hurt me. Asked me to please come "home" - he had invited my friends over for cards and drinks, and he needed to put his arms around me before they got there.

I got to the house first. Opened the door, turned on the lights, let the dog in, freshened up my tearstained face - and then he finally came barreling through the door, hollering,"Baby! Where are you?!". The hug he gave me was the very best hug I have ever had. I have not in my WHOLE life felt as loved or as complete as I did in that moment. That made me cry again.

Later, when we talked about where our disconnect was, I explained to him that I don't ever want him to not be excited to see me. The minute he doesn't look forward to coming home to be with me, I want out. I told him that I know in my heart that there is someone out there that thinks I am amazing...and if it isn't him, he needs to let me GO!

He kissed my eyes, and my nose, and my mouth ...all the while whispering,"Cort, you are the most amazing creature I have ever met.".

And I believed him.

Tall Skinny HalfCaf Latte with Three Pumps and No Foam

...had to fire my barista today. That makes me really sad.

Partly because I did like her alot. Partly because she fit in with the rest of my staff.

But mostly because I will be THE barista for the next 10 days until they find someone to replace her.

Not my idea of fun. Unless Bailey's is involved. :)

Regret and a Gallon of Milk

How funny!

I run away from everyone and everything in order to just be myself and perhaps grow a bit...you know, get some stuff figured out and all that rot - and invariably, I start to miss the way things were.

That is quite the commentary on my whole life cycle.

I don't miss being married, though. What I do miss is having someone to help share in the day to day things. The chores. The bills. The groceries. Isn't that terrible??! I should miss having a friend and a comrade, someone to curl up with at night, someone to have coffee with me on the deck in the morning, etc.

Those are all the things that Mr. H wanted so much - and as it turns out, so did I. I just didn't want it with him. Why didn't I?

I was a terrible wife.

I am sorry.

False alarm

My horoscope today told me not to cry wolf...or was it yesterday? Whatever. The resulting apprehension is the same. Everyone knows what happened to the little boy who cried wolf - he got ate all up! A quick review of my actions and reactions in the previous week has provided me with plenty of moments that could be identified as wolf-crying behaviour.

Not that I actually cried wolf out loud...mostly I did it in my head - and mostly it was a scream.

I will continue to monitor my activities in order to prevent an over dramatization of events and feelings, especially those that every normal person deals with at some time or another.

My life is good. My amazing children are healthy. I have a job. I have a man who really likes me. I have great parents.

...and I have a future...

No wolves anywhere near me as far as I can see.

Undesireable Baggage

Oh. My. God.

What a terrible mess this all is...I have definitely taken my tornado tendencies to new porportions and really jacked my life all up.

Honestly! I am so out of control at this point, I don't know how to get it back under reign.

I need to stop drinking. I need to learn to say no. To soooo many things.

I need some direction and some redemption.

Most of all, I need mercy.

I really am sorry...

Lung Smudgin'

I have pneumonia. I do! I have been sick now for a month...three days of that flat on my back in bed. I don't understand it.

I know that it appears that I have brought an illness upon myself by playing so hard, but I have to tell you that I have ALWAYS played so hard, and have NEVER gotten just plain pancaked like this. It is very frustrating. But whatever.

Someone suggested an indian ceremony complete with smudging to drive the spirits out of my lungs...If I get that desperate I will take video, alright?

Took my oldest daughter to Big Gig this weekend, and OH that was fun! She is fifteen now, and old enough to make my life miserable, but for the most part she chooses to rock out with mom whenever given the chance. I am grateful for the common ground.

I am also thankful that I can take her around my friends and other loved ones and she melds right in. It feels really nice when people ask me to bring her along for outings...just because she is fun and pleasant to be around.

Please remind me of this when she is tormenting me again.