Perfect

Well, I guess I did ask the Universe to help me get my mind off of Darin and our break-up and all of the subsequent events.

I was laid off today. Maybe I was fired. I am not sure. I prefer laid off.

Two times in one year?

Ugh.

And yes, I did txt Darin to tell him...he called immediately...but had nothing to say that made anything better or worse, and to tell you the truth, I am okay with that.

He is all of a sudden the least of my problems.

Just like I asked for things to be.

Get your daytimer, Annie

It's my first day of truly being by myself. I had to stop from begging my ex to let me have the kids just a bit longer...just until I can get on my feet. But I am afraid that I don't know when that is coming!

Plus, I didn't want him to feel smug about me being alone and in pain. Thank God for pride.

Am on the job hunt now that I am no longer employed by the boyfriend. I just could not stand a minute more of watching his emails roll in - some from other women, some advice from friends on how to handle his new singlehood...gah! Why he left his email attached to our work accounts is beyond me -unless it was to get back at me for breaking us up in the first place.

I also could not handle seeing the posts that she was leaving on his Facebook. I never wrote on his wall because I didn't want to embarrass him, yet here she was blathering on about listening to the music he sent her. Music I bought for him, by the way. She posted on what was our three year anniversary. And I lost my sh*t.

I deleted him from my phone, my Facebook, my computer, and every friend that we had in common on FB - including our children - removed. I closed down my blog, eradicated email accounts that we held jointly, and then wrote my resignation letter. (I later had to trash that version...)

I have never felt so immature and desperate and icky and gross and yucky in my life. I felt like Glenn Close setting out to boil the bunny.

I have yet to have any contact with him...and I am worried what state he will catch me in. Will I be reasonable and mature? Or will I be three and tantum filled? Will I rage and cry and beg and sob?

I think he should have to make an appointment to talk to me from here on out.

How about next 5th thursday of the 5th quarter?

Now What?

Some of you don't know this, but I also write Reversible Errors. Not that it should matter to you....but it might explain the gap in my entries here in QxQ. ( I just totally made up that abbreviation - I LOVE IT!)

I am hiding for a few days. Licking my wounds. Trying to make sense of everything in my world. Deciding how I want to show up and who I want to be. No easy task...and I am already a bit overwhelmed.

Tonight I am going to concentrate on asking how OTHER people are. A friend of mine suggested it as a helpful way to get over myself.

I really need to get over myself.

How are you?

Oh No, You Dint...!

Wow. I haven't been here in a really long time. I wonder if it is still my secret blog...like, I wonder if I could express all of the anger and resentment that I am feeling right now (which is very uncommon for me) to the entire world of strangers that I will never meet and still keep this knowledge away from the people I love. Or loved. Loved very recently but now hate with the burning of 10,000 suns. Hate so much that my tummy is turning inside out.

Noooo, it isn't hate after all. It's shame. I am embarrassed. I am ashamed that my boyfriend would assume that I would do something so ...icky....so gross...just because one of his children said I did.

His son said I used his toothbrush. What??!

Now, you might think I am overreacting - but c'mon! Used his toothbrush?! That is gross! Foul! Disgusting!

I have had my very own toothbrush there for the past two years and never had a problem. Not once. But today my bf calls to tell me not to use boychild's toothbrush ever again because it upset said boychild quite alot.

Well, guess who is upset NOW? Yeah...it's me. Good guess.

Now, you may be wondering why in the world would I have the same toothbrush there for the past two years, and that is a valid question. Simple - I am not there to brush my teeth often enough for me to wear one out.

And I can guaran-f*cking-tee you that I won't have one there at ALL anymore, and we can nip this little problem right in the bud.

So there. Nyah.

Just put that over there...

I have a new house - and it is all me. I didn't move into it because it was my only option, or because I was in a hurry, or because I was being rescued or "taken care of".

I actually chose it! I day dreamed about it, drove by it every chance I got, moved all the furniture around in my head, redid the blinds in my imagination and thought of nothing else until FINALLY - I got the call that it was mine.

I moved in this last weekend.

That's when I discovered how many things I left behind in the marriage dissolution...things that have been provided for me over the past year but are not mine to take to a new house. Things that are integral to running a household that feels like home to three children!

I needed a washerdryerqueenbeddresserdesktwotwinmattressesdiningroomtableandchairs, and I needed them right away. So - I did what any single mom would do - I stalked Craigslist.

Oh my heavens! I have found the neatest things on Craigslist for the greatest prices...I don't think I will ever shop at a furniture store again.

What I DIDN'T think about was how to move all of these said bargains. Those are some heavy items and some were located quite far away!

So - I did what any single mom would do -

I called my ex husband for help.

...and he came running.

I am a very blessed single mom. Blessed and well housed.

Wanna come over for a house warming party??!

Don't Let the Door Hit You...

I have been working so hard. So very hard. I didn't have the kids this weekend, so that made things easier, but I DO still have the boyfriend.

Every night I get off work and race to Denver like I stole something, just so I can fall asleep in his arms - and then I wake up in the morning and race back. Sometimes it is everything I need it to be, and sometimes it only makes me feel more alone. By the time I got to Friday of this week, there was no telling what I was going to be feeling like.

And that, of course, is where the trouble begins with me.

We both got off work at the same time - he went to a friend's house for drinks, I got on the highway to do my flyinglowundertheradar rountine. He called every twenty minutes or so for an update, giving instructions like "Call me when you get to Arapahoe", etc.

When I got to the last offramp by his house, I followed directions and rang him to let him know I was almost there. To which he responded by saying something cheesey (but wonderful) like "Wooohooo! Heaven is only ten minutes away!" and then teasing me about meeting him at the door naked.

I got there first. I opened the blinds. Let the dog in. Made a pot of coffee. Loaded the dishwasher. Unloaded the dryer. Checked my email. Checked my voicemail. Went to the mailbox and got the mail. Put the dog out. Loaded the washer. Let the dog back in...and then got a beer.

Somewhere in my head I decided that this is not how I think Friday night for me is supposed to pan out- so I gave myself a deadline. If that boy didn't show up in another 15, I was out.

Fifteen came - I left. I didn't even know where to drive to! I just drove. I reviewed my internal list of friends in Denver and tried to get myself together enough to call one of them to hang with for awhile.

I must have been unconciously sending alarm signals through the air, because I hadn't even made it out to the interstate yet before he started to call. He called 12 times. He ran my voice mailbox out of room. Listening to the messages I realized that he didn't even know I had left the house yet! He just thought I wasn't answering his calls on ANY phone.

When I finally parked and called him back, I really expected him to say something akin to "If you are that impatient, why don't you just keep on going?". But he didn't. He was devestated that he hurt me. Asked me to please come "home" - he had invited my friends over for cards and drinks, and he needed to put his arms around me before they got there.

I got to the house first. Opened the door, turned on the lights, let the dog in, freshened up my tearstained face - and then he finally came barreling through the door, hollering,"Baby! Where are you?!". The hug he gave me was the very best hug I have ever had. I have not in my WHOLE life felt as loved or as complete as I did in that moment. That made me cry again.

Later, when we talked about where our disconnect was, I explained to him that I don't ever want him to not be excited to see me. The minute he doesn't look forward to coming home to be with me, I want out. I told him that I know in my heart that there is someone out there that thinks I am amazing...and if it isn't him, he needs to let me GO!

He kissed my eyes, and my nose, and my mouth ...all the while whispering,"Cort, you are the most amazing creature I have ever met.".

And I believed him.

Tall Skinny HalfCaf Latte with Three Pumps and No Foam

...had to fire my barista today. That makes me really sad.

Partly because I did like her alot. Partly because she fit in with the rest of my staff.

But mostly because I will be THE barista for the next 10 days until they find someone to replace her.

Not my idea of fun. Unless Bailey's is involved. :)

Regret and a Gallon of Milk

How funny!

I run away from everyone and everything in order to just be myself and perhaps grow a bit...you know, get some stuff figured out and all that rot - and invariably, I start to miss the way things were.

That is quite the commentary on my whole life cycle.

I don't miss being married, though. What I do miss is having someone to help share in the day to day things. The chores. The bills. The groceries. Isn't that terrible??! I should miss having a friend and a comrade, someone to curl up with at night, someone to have coffee with me on the deck in the morning, etc.

Those are all the things that Mr. H wanted so much - and as it turns out, so did I. I just didn't want it with him. Why didn't I?

I was a terrible wife.

I am sorry.

False alarm

My horoscope today told me not to cry wolf...or was it yesterday? Whatever. The resulting apprehension is the same. Everyone knows what happened to the little boy who cried wolf - he got ate all up! A quick review of my actions and reactions in the previous week has provided me with plenty of moments that could be identified as wolf-crying behaviour.

Not that I actually cried wolf out loud...mostly I did it in my head - and mostly it was a scream.

I will continue to monitor my activities in order to prevent an over dramatization of events and feelings, especially those that every normal person deals with at some time or another.

My life is good. My amazing children are healthy. I have a job. I have a man who really likes me. I have great parents.

...and I have a future...

No wolves anywhere near me as far as I can see.

Undesireable Baggage

Oh. My. God.

What a terrible mess this all is...I have definitely taken my tornado tendencies to new porportions and really jacked my life all up.

Honestly! I am so out of control at this point, I don't know how to get it back under reign.

I need to stop drinking. I need to learn to say no. To soooo many things.

I need some direction and some redemption.

Most of all, I need mercy.

I really am sorry...